Testing… Testing… 1… 2… 3…

The wound had healed, the scar is minimal, the pain had subsided. I was beckoned back to the hearing centre of the south (Southampton) to have my processor fitted. I got bored of Southampton before my first visit, but needs be must. I faced 2.5 hours of sound tests, volume checks, pitch tinkering (just not cricket) and tuning.

Thirty-one days with only hearing from my right lug ‘ole has not been as arduous as I first thought. Indeed, it gave me an even greater respect (if that were possible) for those that have no hearing whatsoever/less hearing than me.

I was beckoned into a soundproof room and pointed towards a rather inviting looking leather seat. After a short introduction, the lady then fumbled around for my magnet (that is not a euphemism). I was attached to a machine and we had lift off (that is not a double entendre).  The first sounds that breached my ear drum were a series of high pitch squeals and beeps. It was like watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

 

Life is Beautiful

What followed was a series of sound tests to gauge what I could pick up. Amongst the ringings of that blasted tinnitus, I was encouraged to press a button through a series of beeps for a good/bad/ugly 20 minutes. We eventually completed those tests and set about adjusting the volume. As my ear/brain has ‘forgotten’ the general sounds one might hear, we started and stopped at a low volume. It was interesting to listen to my auidiologist talk to me. It was a little like Kit from Knightrider fame. I was the Hoff for a brief and enjoyable moment.

 

The Hoff and Leon Knight

I was warned that sounds would be a little alien to me. Apart from sounds that had since escaped me – the rustling of paper, the tapping of the keyboard, my own breathing – I was surprised to hear my ‘new voice’. What I can now hear can only be described as a gay Transformer (I’m not kidding). I am desperately hoping that this is temporary and I have not subjected you to years of camp robotic mumblings.

 

Optimus Sublime

I’ve had a great deal of fun with this new sound. I’ve realised that if I could bottle and sell these sounds, I could make a long career for myself as an impressionist. Sadly, I think it is temporary.

The next and final part of the latest raft of tests was a general run through of help and assistance, followed by a repetition exercise. The basic sounds of the English language.

A rather pleasant lady emitted some sounds from behind a bit of paper. I was asked to repeat what I had heard. One can only describe them as being sound effects from a backstreet studio in Amsterdam. ‘Ooh’ ‘Ahh’ ‘Mmm’ ‘Sss’ ‘Shh’. The small child in me wanted to giggle heartily, but there was business to be done and I managed to contain my hysteria. It was pretty easy to determine between the different sounds, other than the ‘Ooh’ and the ‘Mmm’. I don’t think that will matter too much in later life, as they are both positive sounds!

My boss told me to ‘lighten the f*ck up’.

Ordinarily, I would have been a little dismayed,

but I am a lighting assistant in a porn studio

I was informed that it is going to take a while for my brain to comprehend all these new sounds. Sometimes as long as three months. Well, I’ve always had a sharp and lightening quick intellect, so I don’t think she reckoned on meeting such a modest genius.

To be continued…